Let’s face it – There are no classes in school or college that specifically teach how us how to navigate a love relationship well!  How we saw our parents or caregivers relate to each other, and what ideas we’ve cobbled together about relationships cause many couples to end up sabotaging their interactions with each other, despite being well-intentioned.

How Couples Interact

Couples come into my office or my virtual office, saying “We can’t really talk about things – we just end up fighting and feeling angry and miserable.”

HOW couples interact, and not so much WHAT they’re arguing about is what can cause them to feel unsafe and defensive… (and end up with neither partner getting their needs met.)

When we feel safe and securely attached with our partner, we feel loved – and our relationship feels close and fulfilling; but when we feel not understood, and therefore distant and insecurely attached, we can get into conflicts, fights, withdrawing, attacking, and doubting the relationship – and these negative conflicts become cycles we play out repeatedly.

How Couples Get Better

One of the ways I work with couples is through Emotionally Focused Therapy, (See my article What is EFT?) which is a highly researched and validated method for helping couples re-connect in a deeper, safer way. I help couples slow things down, so each partner can start feeling safe enough to express to their partner what’s going on for them under the surface, to help them feel more understood, and connect more powerfully and more lovingly. Couples learn more about each other’s feelings, as well as acquiring new tools to begin to solve problems, instead of being at war over them.